Trust Without Borders

 It has been very quiet around here on my little corner of the adoption blog block. We chose to keep quiet concerning the details until we reached a certain point in our adoption, and I am painfully choosing to continue to stay strong and keep my big mouth shut about the details, and I am, but this is what I can tell you, and who our little family of four has been praying for. In June, we heard about a baby on the other side of the world. A very tiny, malnourished child.

This child was placed heavily on our hearts. We knew immediately that we needed to be praying for this child, and ask others to as well, and we did. We prayed hard. The prayers that come from deep inside your soul. The gut wrenching, life and death kind. The last time I prayed this way was when an oncologist told me that I had a 50/50 chance of becoming a widow before I turned 30. I had never so fervently pleaded with God. This time, we were not waiting for a referral, but for news on if this precious baby would survive, it was that bad. I had been in this place of uncertainty before and was hesitant to return there. Your soul groans. You get up and function every day and live life as usual, but you aren't all there. Your soul sort of holds its breath and waits to exhale. You keep it all together until your head hits the pillow, or you steal moments in the shower, or in the car alone to let the tears fall and plead with God.  So, this tiny child was flown from an orphanage to the hospital in the capital.  This little one's body was very weak.  Pneumonia, anemia, hernia, all  required emergency hospitalization for a blood transfusion, oxygen, feeding tubes, etc. At four months of age, this baby weighed less than your average newborn. Sweet baby had to learn how to eat again and would have to get stronger and healthier before being referred to a family. This story is sadly not unique and certainly not the worst off we have seen. In a country where one in five children dies before the age of five, this story is one we had heard before, statistically. But this time the story has a face, and a name. So since June we have fallen in love with this little person. L and B have seen the tiny face. They have picked out outfits and toys. We have sent vitamins, lotions, powders, and formula.

We just knew we were supposed to love this little one as best as we could from afar. The kids seem satisfied to do that. Are we adopting this child? I honestly don't know for sure, but we will keep you posted on that. A lot has changed since we started this journey and if we are certain of one thing it is this; there is no certainty! I have seen adoptions fail, hearts break, children die. Recent changes in adoption laws say that it will be AT LEAST a year before we can bring anyone home, but these laws seem to change with the wind, so who knows? How do we go on with this process with so much uncertainty? Because we want to and we can't not keep going forward. Not because it is our duty, but because it is our privilege. Because we believe the human life and spirit is the best investment. If we never bring a child home, we will know that it was not all for nothing. We made a difference in this little life. We recently were presented with a choice to possibly switch country programs. Sort of a last chance to recover financially before going all in in such an unstable program. We both said absolutely not, without hesitation. We know where we were called for this time and season.We have changed in this process. Things that used to matter don't now. Our world is bigger and more meaningful. Our lives are richer in all the ways that matter. I have reached a point where my arms are raised and I am free falling, trusting that He will catch me. I recently discovered a beautiful song (my anthem these days)  that says,

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

At the risk of sounding like a fool, I can tell you that my faith has indeed been made stronger and I have been taken deeper than my little feet could ever wander on their own. My prayers changed from asking for the children I had in the perfect picture of my family, to asking God to lead me the children that He has for us and beyond that, to reveal to me how I can continue to make a difference for "the least of these" and we are working on big, exciting things to discover what that will look like in the future.
Please keep this little one we call "Peanut" in your prayers and thank you for loving and supporting our family!