I've heard people talk about God telling them this, and God telling them that, and honestly, I thought they were a bit... wack-a-do. I am, and have been as long as I can remember, a believer in God, and Jesus Christ. But this idea of God speaking to us seemed too far out to me. Maybe I had little faith, or maybe I had seen too many Christians talk about "the voice of God" speaking to them about stuff they obviously wanted to do, while at the same time forgetting the message of love, acceptance, grace, forgiveness, charity. and humility that was at the center of Christ's teachings. The hypocrite is the reason so many turn away from God. I know we are not perfect people, but if we lose our ability to love others and walk in love and kindness, then our faith is dead. I am saddened by the fact that I have already been judged and treated with a cold shoulder by some of these so-called Christians over our decision to adopt. I don't understand it, it hurts, but I still have absolute peace in knowing that we are following God's call for our life in making a difference in the life of a deserving human soul. There are no borders in the love of Christ. No nationalities, no race, no rich, no poor. We are ALL created equal in his eyes. We all deserve to know the love of a family.
If this understanding was not enough, the constant reminders of the plight of the orphan being set before my eyes would confirm that the voice of God is truly speaking to me. I have yet to hear a booming voice from the heavens, pretty sure God would know I'd pee my pants if I did! What has been happening, is that my heart has expanded 10 times. My faith has been more real than ever before, the "whys" concerning the trials we have been through as a family, that have lead us to where we are today have never before been so easy to wrap my brain around.
I will tell you that I have been a real mess the past few months. There have been times that I have tried to run from this. I just felt as if I would crumble if I didn't turn this crazy-heartbroken-love thing off. So I would shut down the computer and try and do something else. These statistics and faces and stories from our chosen country are horrific. I can't even say them out loud. Sometimes I wish I could un-know the brutality and pure evil that these people have endured. The first time I tried to turn it off I thought, "I know! I'll just sit on my butt and watch some mindless TV." The first thing I found was The Real Housewives of DC. Perfect! I haven't really seen this before, but I am sure to find some meaningless slapstick entertainment here! And wouldn't you know it, the episode was featuring a woman that was adopted form Africa, searching for her birth father! Also, a clothing designer from Africa, here to show the world the beauty that Africa has to offer, through fashion. Thanks, God! Way to take my mind off things! My jaw open, I laughed, then I cried some more. I headed out to pick up the kids from school and turn on the radio, hesitantly. The song playing was about a care package being sent overseas. Something like, "A little peace, a little light, To remind you of How I'm waiting for you, praying for you I wanted you to see, So I'm sending you a little Christmas, Till you come home to me..." Even last night, I fell asleep on he couch, which I NEVER do, and was awoken by the television. An interview on CNN with a couple whose son was waiting for them in an orphanage in Russia, whom they may never be able to bring home. A child psychologist that works with orphans described the silence in an orphanages overseas. The lack of love and stimulation. The unsanitary living conditions. The hopelessness in the eyes of some of these waiting children. I'm sorry, but that was no coincidence. That was the voice of God, reminding me why. Why no matter what others think of us, we are to be concerned only with His plan for our life. Why he has called us to adoption. These are just a couple of the things that happened. I called my friend Stacey, a beautiful adoptive Momma of three of the cutest kids you have ever seen. I told her about my fears, my heart ache, my oh-my-God-I-must-be-losing-my-mind feelings. She knocked each fear off my list. I was out of reasons not to adopt. Not that I wanted reasons not too, it's just that I felt maybe we didn't have enough to offer. Our home, though it is beautiful, is "only" 1600 square feet. 3 bedrooms. The kids share a bathroom the size of some peoples broom closets. We don't make a lot of money. I am going to school and not working right now. Blah blah blah. She listened graciously, laughed at me a little and told me that if I was crazy, it was a good kind of crazy. That all mothers that adopt orphans from these war torn countries feel this way. While the kids were at school and Richard was at work, I would weep and pray and and weep some more. Then I'd try to pull myself together, get dressed for crying out loud, do some housework and get my act together before afternoon pick up. In the evenings I would share with Richard about what I had learned about the orphans waiting. The mortality rates for children, the war crimes, the kidnappings, rapes, child soldiers... unimaginable hell on earth. He would listen solemnly. He didn't say much beyond "We need to go. We need to do this soon. Let's get going." So here we are. Filling out papers and writing checks as fast as our little pen gripping fingers can move. We can not save all of the orphans ourselves, but we can provide a loving home and a family for one (maybe 2)and so we are. We are listening intently to what God has to say, and not much to what anyone else has to say. We are coming for you, our precious child. As fast as we can.