I pressed pause. Pause on life as usual. No trips were planned. I didn't sign up for my classes. Because what about travel dates? I600 filing and "Gotcha" days? They would need me at home for an undetermined amount of time to work on attachment, and English, and preschool basics. We would go to the art museum, because they have toddler days, and finger painting is a great sensory rich activity. We would go to story time at the library. We would go to big sister's school parties, because they need to become familiar with that environment before they start attending kindergarten. I feel most days like I'm still on pause, like I'm holding my breath waiting for something. Some good news. Some movement. And while there has been some good news, there's also been a lot of negative news in the form of setbacks and delays. At this point we literally have no idea when we will be traveling, filing, holding, and loving our newest member. Some days I fear never. Some days I am filled with hope. Today is a hard day. Today I found J and M's referral announcement photo stashed away with other secret treasures in one of my children's rooms.
I kind of hoped that they would forget, but I should know better. Those kids are unforgettable and are etched onto my children's hearts forever, as well as mine. I want more than anything to reassure my children that God has a special child, or children, waiting to come home to us, and that very soon we will be celebrating them home, but I just can't. I can't let them down one more time. Its funny, I always have said that there is no way that I could ever foster/adopt because I couldn't put my biological children through the pain of loving another like a brother or sister only to have to say goodbye. I missed the big picture, and that is that we get to love them, and pray for them, and do all we can to meet their needs! There is no adoption without brokenness and loss. This loving a child from afar, only to lose them to uncertainty is really just a fraction of a glimpse of the pain and loss and uncertainly that is required for a child to become an orphan. How did I miss this? Yes, its so painful. Yes, it leaves a void, but how much more so for the orphan? Talk about life on pause. Orphanage life is no life at all. Just days, weeks, months, years of waiting. Waiting to be someone's son or daughter. Waiting for love, validation, recognition. Waiting to be seen and heard and cherished. Waiting for an opportunity to show the world who you are and that you matter. Oh, I will never give up on these waiting children. I will pray that my hurt and grief, my tiny window into the pain of loss, be fuel that propels me to do more, to love bigger, to care about this stuff that matters even more. So, we continue on this journey to stitching these broken pieces and stories and lives together to create the beautiful tapestry of FAMILY. I know, that even though I can't see the end result yet, it will be so worth it in the end, and I can't help but think of this verse.
2nd Corinthians 4:16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.