Sunday, May 26, 2013

Broken Pieces

I have been building this post over several days. I'm in a much better place now with everything. I have a peace that I didn't have at first, but I wanted to share with you what I was feeling, and still in fragile, weaker moments feel. If you ever go through the loss of a referral, just know that some people "get it." It is not the kind of thing that a flippant, "I'm sorry, now let's get back to what I was talking about" will help. Nor is it the time for well meaning religious platitudes about "God's will" or what was or wasn't "meant to be." It is a time when those that love you should be present and also let you grieve. If you know someone that recently lost a referral or endured a failed adoption, please do not minimize their grief. It is very real and very hard. When I feel big things whether they are good or bad, I write. I wrote the following shortly after we realized that the children we are in love with from afar, will never be in our arms.

What do you do? What do you do when the little faces you've been falling in love with will never be yours to touch? What do you say when the prayers are not answered, at least  not they way you thought they would be? How do you tell a seven year old that "Sissy" isn't coming home? How do you explain to your son that his brother will not be learning about Legos or the Rubik's cube or how to play a violin, at least not from him. I have no idea, but that is where we are. It is through the haze of burning tears that I write to you all and tell you that J and M are not coming home to us. The father that has been missing has resurfaced. Our agency told us about the news as soon as they heard from the Orphanage and before our dossier even left their office. It feels like a pillow case full of bricks has been slammed into my face. We are heartbroken and confused and scared for them. But the thing is, I prayed for them to have a family. I prayed for them to not grow up in an orphanage. They will not have a mommy, but they have a father, (even though they don't remember him), and they have each other. Reunification has begun.. We have to cling to some peace in that.  We aren't quite there yet. Right now we are mourning the loss of them. We are mourning the memories we were to create, the plans we had for them, the hopes and dreams and the life we all wanted to share with them. Tonight their life books are only one page long. What do I do with those? Will they wonder why the family in the picture we sent never came? I pray they know that we just loved them. That they are special and beautiful. God, are they beautiful. And then there will be the countless friends, family, coworkers, teachers, coaches, grocery store clerks, bank tellers, every person that made eye contact with you since your referral asking, "When do you go get them?! How are J and M?!" And then we get to relive this pain over, and over, and over again.

So, what now?  We are taking some time to grieve. If we had not been pursuing J and M, it is likely they would have never been reunited with their father, so we have that to cling to for a "why?"

Yes, we are still adopting. We are going to be more guarded this time, though. Don't be surprised if you don't hear from us in the coming months and then we announce we are booking flights. We will not be sharing names, or photos, or anything really until we are further along in the process. We just can't bear it. We know our children can't take it either. They each have J and M's photos on their night stands. They have prayed for them, dreamed about them, shopped for them and loved them right along with us. Please pray for their broken little hearts. They understand this less than we do, and that is not a lot.

To our sweet J and M. We will always love you, and from now until I take my last breath, I will be for you. I will pray for you, as I do my own children, until we meet one day on the other side. You will forever be stamped on my heart. I love you, precious ones. Oh how I longed to hold you and help you remember what a mother's love feels like.  May you grow and flourish outside the orphanage walls and get to know your Papa again.

We are giving these broken pieces to God. It's all we have. It's all we can do. Please pray for our family during this hard time, and please continue to pray for J and M, and their father. We are unplugging for a few days to just be with the kids and help them work through it. I first heard this song shortly after we found all of this out. It's worth a listen if you are going through an uncertain time.

(Love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:7

Oh weary mind
 Oh troubled soul
 All the broken pieces that you hold
 Turn them over
 Give them up
 And then watch, what Jesus does
Oh heavy heart
Oh heavy load
Lay it down
And let it go
Leave your broken yesterdays
In the open arms of grace


  1. my heart breaks alongside you for your loss and i will continue to pray for these precious ones as they rebuild their lives with their father. praying for your family, friend.

  2. Oh Jennifer, I am SO so sorry. This is hard, and I can't imagine what you sweet kiddos are going through. I'll be praying for them and you all as you continue through this process and for J&M as they are reunified with their father.