If you know me, the words you might use to describe me probably include the descriptors; loud, goofy, funny, a big ole' dork, spicy, snarky, smart a$$, randomly breaks into song and if a Disney movie is on you can just forget it. It is on like Donkey Kong! I digress. You would not likely use words like soft spoken, meek, gentle... Not quiet. Almost never quiet. Not unless I am in pain, or there is an emergency type situation occurring. My instinctual response to danger, trauma, pain, and grief, is that I get quiet. I assess. I slow my roll. I calculate the best response. Since 2013 God has been breaking my heart and molding and shaping it to whatever it is it needs to be, and let me tell you, it hurts like a mother. Hard things. Things that offer no opportunity for witty one liners, or snarky come backs. Things like illness, depression, financial hardships, broken relationships, trauma, and death. For a while I wondered if I might lose that spicy girl all together. If the hard rains of this monsoon season of life might just snuff that fire out altogether. But God is good, friends, and although I do not believe that He sends the pain, I fully believe that He can USE it to bring us closer to Him, and I have seen that through this journey.
So for my own reflection I want to outline some of the really goof stuff that has come of his hard season. I feel that the broken places are healing well and this post is a long time coming.
Sons and daughters.
This journey brought me first our precious Junior and Marie.
Turns out they had a papa here on earth that wanted to parent them. If I had not seen their precious faces, and read their names, I would not be able to pray for their safety, for hope, for a future for them in the specific way that I do now. I am thankful that God brought them to me, and then brought their father back to them, even if only so that I pray for them by name. TheThe, Oh, my precious girl. I am so thankful that I got to see your sweet face and hear your beautiful name before you left this earth. Thank you for reminding me that life is so precious and short. You remind me to be thankful for the little things I tend to take for granted. I can't wait to meet you and your mama in heaven one day.
Jerome. Oh my soul. You are my heartbeat. You are my sweet sugar pumpkin. Most days my face hurts from smiling so much at your silly antics and your sweet and snuggly moments. You are an absolute TREASURE. I will never stop pursuing that great big heart of yours. You will forever be my baby, even when you tower over your short little mama. You are a walking miracle and a daily reminder that NOTHING is impossible with God.
Lucy! My little light. I cannot wait to see you SHINE. I'll be there soon, sweet girl.
Relationships.
My precious adoption mama friends and advocates. Lovers of justice and mercy. You are treasures to me and have made this crazy ride so amazing. You have laughed and cried and sweat and I do think one of you even bled with me. Yikes! Love you guys to the moon and back!
Perspective.
It is so essential. I have more of it than I did before. I still strive to maintain it in this crazy, self and comfort obsessed world, but I have a much better grip on it than I did before. It makes me pause before thinking I need things that I truly do not need. It makes things that I once coveted, repulse me. It makes me favor real over fake. Deep over shallow.
Lucy! My little light. I cannot wait to see you SHINE. I'll be there soon, sweet girl.
Relationships.
My precious adoption mama friends and advocates. Lovers of justice and mercy. You are treasures to me and have made this crazy ride so amazing. You have laughed and cried and sweat and I do think one of you even bled with me. Yikes! Love you guys to the moon and back!
Perspective.
It is so essential. I have more of it than I did before. I still strive to maintain it in this crazy, self and comfort obsessed world, but I have a much better grip on it than I did before. It makes me pause before thinking I need things that I truly do not need. It makes things that I once coveted, repulse me. It makes me favor real over fake. Deep over shallow.
Jesus.
Jesus in my life has gone from a story book character that I loved like a holy Santa Claus, to my very favorite everything. Jesus makes me cry in the car, you guys. Jesus was, and is, everything. He is why I choose love when hate threatens to grip my heart. He is why I choose forgiveness over bitterness. He is why the word grace has significant meaning in my life. He makes me brave. Any good in me, is Him. He is why I believe in this whole Gospel thing. The red letters. He is why I strive to be better for my God, my family, my friends, my community, and my world, and at the same time He is why I know that really, I don't have to be anything more than who I am in this very moment. JESUS. You should seriously give Him a try.
Jesus in my life has gone from a story book character that I loved like a holy Santa Claus, to my very favorite everything. Jesus makes me cry in the car, you guys. Jesus was, and is, everything. He is why I choose love when hate threatens to grip my heart. He is why I choose forgiveness over bitterness. He is why the word grace has significant meaning in my life. He makes me brave. Any good in me, is Him. He is why I believe in this whole Gospel thing. The red letters. He is why I strive to be better for my God, my family, my friends, my community, and my world, and at the same time He is why I know that really, I don't have to be anything more than who I am in this very moment. JESUS. You should seriously give Him a try.
As we head into a whole new season in bringing home our little girl, things might be quiet again for a bit while we all adjust and find our new normal, but I hope to do better at updating this blog. It is really a chronicle of the evolution of our family that I want to preserve for my kids. I want them to know their mama's heart and how much space they take up in it.
No comments:
Post a Comment